It was my 18th birthday, and we had a plan. 18 was a special year for our group of friends... not because we could vote (I know I know, its important), not because we could buy tobacco, and not because of any gun rights bestowed (it was CA)... at 18 we could go to the Indian Casinos!! Now, to be totally honest (sorry Mom ad Dad) I had been to the casino before. The casino only checks IDs of people when they sit at the table... and only then if they looked less than 18, which if you knew me in high school you know was not the case. I was, however, scared enough of my father at that point to know the ramifications if I was ever "back-roomed" at an Indian casino... so I just sat and watched my friends who were 18 already and picked up tips and tricks to the game from their wins and losses.
The story behind this evening is long, drama filled, and very high school... but lets just say that really close friends, who were not 18, were left out... feelings were hurt... drama was created... but the plan was in place and I was excited. My parents had no moral objections to poker/blackjack/casino games in general... but I had been given clear advice and instruction about keeping my self safe. "Only take a fixed amount of money and keep your ATM card out of the building", "Everything is permissible in moderation"... you get the idea. Another background piece of info is that I was part of the school's student government group. This is only relevant to the story because my Father decided that he needed to check wth the school to see if one of their student leaders gong to a casino on his birthday would be "frowned upon". You see, our school was a very conservative Christian school and our home church was not a big fan of gambling. Again... long story short but the school principal responded that it would not be a good look for the school and that he would appreciate it if that was not how my birthday was celebrated. I received a page (yes... still the day and age of the pager) with my dad's work number and I called him at my first chance. He let me know what had happened and that I needed to change my birthday plans.
I was not happy... again, I was smart enough and scared enough not to express my anger directly at my father but he definitely knew I was peeved and it put a huge damper on my birthday. We ended up having a perfectly fine time going to dinner (full friend group restored, underage peeps and all), coffee, movie, I don't even remember because the whole time I was fuming inside. MY DAD RUINED MY BIRTHDAY!!!! How could he?! What a jerk!!! (sorry dad, still kinda scared) I did eventually move on... but I never actually forgave or understood what my dad's purpose was. I went away to school, did the college thing, got into a small scrape of trouble (story for a different post) and ended up having a father/son weekend in Chicago where we had a lot of deep conversations and this story came up. I asked him why he felt like he had to ruin my birthday, at a point in time when I thought I was moving into a stage of life where we would become closer friends. His response was deep, profound, and totally lost on a then 21 year old college student. But now, in my mid 30s, as a dad myself... a teacher, coach, administrator, and someone who deals with parents/students in the front lines of education every day... I finally understand what his point was.
His answer to me was simple... (this is not a direct quote, as it has been a few years, but) He said "Bob... I placed you in that school, under their authority, and I agreed to follow their rules as we partnered together in your education and maturity. It would have been wrong of me to not think about their reactions, rules, beliefs, etc. and even more so it would have been undermining their authority to do that. If I taught you that their rules were ok to break just because they were inconvenient, then I would have been teaching you that any rule was ok to break because it was inconvenient. And eventually that would have led to you thinking MY rules were ok to break as well."
I don't know who else needs to hear this, but I know that I did, I do, and I will... over and over and over again as I walk this road of parenthood. We have to make decisions that will not be popular with our kids sometimes. We have to understand that just about everything we do is teaching them a lesson for the future. Most importantly, and I say this selfishly as an educator and former youth pastor, we cannot undermine the authority of the other men and women we have placed in their lives solely to win a few "fun parent points"!! To this day I have no idea if my parents ever had conversations with my teachers, coaches, principals, etc. All I know is that their response was ALWAYS "what did YOU do?" when bad news came home from school, or when I started to complain about some "unfair" treatment. I am sure my parents did not always agree with the play calls, the consequences, the homework load, etc. but never once did I see them belittle, bemoan, make light of, or shrug off any of my teachers, coaches or youth leaders. Were there periods of time when I was not happy with them? SURE!! Were their times when I rebelled? SURE!! But those were MY sinful, selfish and incorrect behaviors/responses and none of that can be laid at their feet. I am a better person (clearly not perfect, ask my wife and my friends!) because my parents made a decision to invest in the long term, not the fun term.
I have been in two schools now who have used a similar analogy for the education process... as Christian educators we are like a 3 legged stool, partnering between parents, church and school to invest in the lives of students and disciple them into a closer relationship with Jesus. I pray that I am a parent like mine... supporting the men and women I CHOOSE to place in the lives of my kids, and partnering with them for the long term of my kids' walk towards Jesus.
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